Entered The Real World? Motivation Gone to Shit? Here’s Why

by Alexander Heyne · 7 comments

Dawn

I was a classic good student. It ended up screwing me in life.

I got good grades.

I showed up to class.

I did what I was told.

I passed through the system pretty effortlessly, not stirring up too much shit, not getting into too much trouble, just looking to get on with it.

I never had problems with motivation, or getting my homework done, or showing up on time for tests.

So people naturally assumed that I would be successful in life – they described me with words like “hard working” “disciplined” and “self-driven.”

… And then an interesting thing happened.

I got my first real, full-time job, and suddenly could not give a shit about life or work.

My motivation flew away, my ambition was non-existent, and in general, I kinda inherited this “Ehhh” quality of life that scared the fuckin’ bejesus out of me. This wasn’t me.

———–

It’s extremely common to suddenly lose your fire, and not give a shit about life, when you get into the real world. It’s no accident.

It’s actually all about how life was designed in those years of school.

Everything was structured.

School always has goals and deadlines for you.

Semester one. Math test 1. Math test 2. Math test 3. Vacation! Semester two. Math test 4. Math test 5. Summer!

High school. Goal: Complete freshman year. Done!

Goal: Complete sophomore, junior, senior year. Done!

There’s always a goal, always a next step, always a plan, always a WHY regarding why you need to go to the next level.

There’s a little bit of motivation built into the system. There are milestones.

But that’s not necessarilly true when you graduate.

Enter “Reality” – And Bye Bye Motivation

When you get your first job, you’re like “Yeeeeee buddy!” Makin’ money, partying on the weekend, and having a good time.

But year three is usually the “awareness” moment. Most people hit the wall by year three (some sooner – I hit it at year one).

They realize that this (job, lifestyle, etc.) is not what they want. They realize that there’s not much to work towards – earning extra money and bonuses isn’t really that appealing because it doesn’t make your life any more exciting or any more fun. We realize that money is a pretty weak motivator.

And for those of you that hate your jobs, getting even a $20,000 raise doesn’t do shit to help you get out of bed easier.

We wake up and think “Good lord, 40 years of this?”

There are no milestones – so we start introducing artificial ones.

Some of us get sucked into the money illusion. We chase higher dollar signs on the paycheck, nicer cars, and sluttier girls. They’re goals, so they keep us entertained for a while.

Others get married to help give life some meaning and purpose. Goal? Pay for your house, feed your family, keep your kids alive as a good parent. That keeps us entertained for 25 years (and then the WTF next? hits you).

Still others create random challenges and goals: lose 50 pounds, run a marathon, start a business, and so on.

But the bottom line is that the real world leaves people unmotivated and listless because there is no structure. There is no story. There is no why behind it all, unless you give it one.

3 Keys to Rekindling Motivation

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In The Pursuit of Your Dream, Time is Irrelevant & Age Doesn’t Matter

by Alexander Heyne · 4 comments

Old dude

Time scares the shit out of me.

You see, for a long time getting older was a reminder that I lost a year. In my head I was saying “You’ve got one less year to start doing the really important stuff in life. One less year to piss away.”

It’s not surprising then that most people also hate getting older. The clock is ticking, slowly counting down.

I’ve addressed this feeling of life passing you by before, but here’s another revelation: the people who are scared shitless by time are those that aren’t living the life they actually want to be living.

Makes sense right? If today, tomorrow and the next day you aren’t enjoying life, one less day is one less day.

But what about people who do feel they’re on their path?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend recently – the same one I profiled in the manifesto.

When you find your path, when you’re in a life that you feel like you’re supposed to be in, time intrigues you. You think, “Wow, this stuff is awesome, I can’t wait to see how much I know (or how good i’ll be) in 5 or 10 years.”

It’s exciting! You look forward to the coming years. You can’t wait to keep following the path and see where it leads. It’s the exact opposite of what most of us live. Everywhere around me I see people dreading that next birthday. It’s a cultural joke now, “Ahhh christ, alright It’s my 5th 25th birthday!”

When you’re not “on your path” time feels like you’re going away from something important.

But when you’ve found it, you’re sprinting down a path and can’t wait to see what’s next.

Everyone else is irrelevant; competition doesn’t matter

The alchemist is my favorite book for a reason – the premise being that we all need to find and pursue our personal legend.

When you find your personal legend, time becomes irrelevant.  Many people (myself included) have this whacked out idea that “if only I were <something> NOW, life would be good.”

“If  only I had my own business and could quit my job now, life would be good.”

“If only my wife and I were living in Paris for a sabbatical, life would be good.”

“If only I switched jobs and were working an awesome new job, life would be good.”

We want to skip to the finale. We want to bypass all the bullshit and jump into the meat. Obviously that can’t happen though. You need a beginning and a middle for there to be an end.

Time doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because you can’t rush finding your “path.”  Three years ago I wanted to be fully self-employed. Life had other plans – three years of failures, which led me to my current self employment path.  You can’t rush it – since life rarely goes according to plan.

Competition also doesn’t matter. You don’t compare yourself to anyone because you have found your path. it’s no one else’s but your own. You know you were born for it.  Do you think young people that go into the priesthood compare themselves to their 29 year old buddies making 6 figures in New York City?

Doubt it! Different paths. Different ambitions. Different dreams.

The problem is that sometimes we convince ourselves we also want what other people want (even when it’s not true).

So when you’re on your path, when your dad asks about your lawyer friend making 120k his first year out of grad school, you feel confident rather than insecure. “Not my path,” you say to yourself. And you know it to be true.

I’m just doing my thing. You’re just doing yours.

Why you keep getting lost

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I Did All the Right Things… So Why is Life Screwing Me?

by Alexander Heyne · 19 comments

nice-guy-emotions

“I did all the right things… so why did I get screwed by life?”

This story is something very commonly heard these days. People playing by the rules and not being taken care of.

What’s interesting about this, to me, is that this is something very similar to what nice guys say when they get rejected by woman after woman after woman.

So I call this “nice guy syndrome.”

————————————————–

I am a former nice guy. I was a nice guy for a long time. Until I was about 22 actually.

Through college, I was the guy who was always told by women “you’re the guy I’d marry, but not date.” In other words, I wasn’t fun, spontaneous, mysterious, and didn’t have cool stories. They were just being nice.

I wasn’t a machisto with cool ambition, man skills, and a grand plan for life. Consequently, I never once got the girl I wanted.  Story of a nice guy’s life.

Since that time, all of those things have changed almost 180.  And that was deliberate.

You see, I realized that nice guys have a set of highly undesirable personality traits (even as husbands). And these nice guy traits are the same ones that people who get screwed by life have.

The traits of “nice guys” (Aka guys who get screwed by women, and get screwed by life)

A couple things about nice guys:

  • They’re polite, afraid of stepping on toes, try not to be too controversial, too nice, not opinionated
  • They’re safe and secure, more on the conservative side
  • They have no backbone, no fight in them, no confidence
  • They’re smiles 24/7. Even if pissed, sad, upset, or anxious.
  • They are very conventional and ordinary
  • They love predictability, stability

People that get screwed over by life:

  • Polite, afraid to ask for anything, challenge authority, or do something never done before
  • Take the safe and secure route, play their cards “realistically,” get the predictable jobs, take the pre-set route
  • They don’t have any fight – they don’t fight for things they love, they don’t fight for a better life, and just kinda settle in life without much kicking and screaming
  • Very ordinary lives. No real dream or ambition, very typical relationships, 9-5 the same, 5-9 usually the same
  • Terrified of change and don’t make moves, even when they are miserable

See the parallels here?

It’s kinda interesting actually.

The nice guy personality is (in my opinion) deadly if you want to truly live a fulfilled life. So let me tell you the remedy.

No More Mr. Nice Guy…

One of the first things I did when I wanted to stop being a nice guy was this: I stopped giving a fuck about trying to please everyone – whether or not you agreed with my plan was tough shit. [click to continue…]

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When You Learn How to Die, You Learn How to Live

by Alexander Heyne · 18 comments

“When you learn how to die, you truly learn how to live.”

- Tuesdays With Morrie

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday. And I’ve been thinking a lot about the following question:

If it were my last one, would I be happy with what I’ve done with my life?

Not in an egoic, “look at all the shit I’ve accomplished” type way. More of an “am I doing what I really am meant to do?” kind of way.

Would I be happy dying at 26 knowing that I’ve found my path, and have truly lived?

People have it all backwards

The above quote – when you learn how to die, you learn how to truly live – is something from Tuesdays with Morrie.

Morrie was a terminally ill professor giving his friend / former student lessons in life. And towards the end of his life, his teachings became increasingly spiritual.

One of the practices he took up was something that many Buddhists are familiar with:

Every day when you wake up, imagine a bird on your shoulder. It says: “is today the day? Am I doing everything that I need to do? Would I be content if this were my last day? Am I truly living? Is my life worth anything – is it meaningful? Am I being the person I want to be, and living the life I want?”

When You’re Dying It Cuts Away the Fat in Life

If I were actually dying, what would be the top things that are the most important to me in life? How would I actually live?

A couple months back I talked about a young friend who died of cancer – he told me about how he spent his entire life acquiring stuff to fill his NYC apartment. Literally, 20 years of work just to buy clothes and furniture for a nice bachelor pad, that now he was all giving away because he’d be dust soon.

So I thought about it: how would I actually live? How would I maximize each day? What would change?

I came up with a list:

  • When you’re dying, 95% of the shit you go through every day is totally and utterly unimportant.  Bitching at people in traffic. Useless. Complaining about being shortchanged a dollar.  A job you hate, that you go to just so you can pay your bills in a lifestyle you hate. Reading celebrity magazines. None of that shit means anything. Dying just makes you realize it.
  • When you’re dying, most of the physical shit doesn’t matter anymore. Meaning takes more importance. People, higher meaning, work that is fucking sweet, finding your work, travel and experiences all take the foreground.
  • Everything you do really is special. I challenge those of you in a relationship to do something that is a reminder of this: Next time you kiss your girlfriend/boyfriend, spend 30 seconds and really be present. Pretend it’s the first and last kiss of your life – feel the texture of the lips, slow down and turn a one second kiss into a ten second kiss, then a 30 second kiss. Use all your senses. That’s why dying makes you feel alive. 

Most Of What You Do Everyday is Meaningless – Dying Just Makes You Realize It

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How to Figure Out What the Hell To Do With Your Life

by Alexander Heyne · 3 comments

How do you discover

Milk the pigeon began with one huge question: What the hell do I want to do with my life?

You see, I knew that I wanted to do big things, and that those big things had nothing to do with the day to day bullshit I was dealing with at work and in my life.

I just couldn’t figure out what. And there were a lot of tough questions that needed answering.

That period of my life really sucked… if you’ve read the manifesto you can tell how much I had that burning fire to escape the rat race.

Maybe I was stubborn, or maybe I was just a naive youth. But whatever the case I could not see the justification in sitting in a 9 to 5 for 40 years, and then retiring.  Even if you had it good (which I did, when I started this site), I just wasn’t fulfilled.

I was existing… rather than living. I had a great job, an amazing salary for someone right out of college, and a pretty good life.

But a year later, when life was the exact same, that sneaky, insidious feeling crept up on me again.

“There has got to be more to life. This sucks.”

That single sentence “There has got to be more to life.” birthed Milk the Pigeon – my journey

Since then, Milk the Pigeon has grown into a site with 1/2 million views a year, an entire forum discussing my ebook, and thousands upon thousands of emails from readers who are saying “thank you” because they are going through the same thing.

milkthepigeon-bannernotrans

I’ve answered many of those tough questions since the site started.

In fact, I was getting the same 5 or 10 questions from the many thousands of emails I get, like: 

  • How do I live a meaningful life? My entire existence feels pointless… I did what everyone told me, got the great job, got married, and had kids. But I’m still not happy. What’s going on?
  • What should I do with my life?
  • How can I not get sucked into the bullshit of working 40 hours a week as someone else’s bitch, for the next 40 years?
  • How can I find my passion? What is my passion? Do I have one?
  • I’m totally lost in life and don’t have a clue what to do
  • My life really sucks right now and I just have no idea how to get out of this funk

After many thousands of hours of experimentation, and having answered some of these own questions in my personal life, there really are a few key things that I have learned.

For months and months I thought about making a class for you guys that would answer all these questions.

The Ultimate Figure Out What The Hell to do With Your Life (And Find Your Dream Job) Program

secret screenshot

I’ve answered these questions before in the 150+ blogposts on this site, sometimes really in-depth, but I always wanted to make a course where these would all be together in one area.

One of my friends, Therese (who blogs at Theunlost.com) has a very similar audience: people trying to figure out what the hell to do with their lives.  I’m also proud to announce that her class covers the exact suggestions I’ve made to you guys.

Therese (who is funny as hell – don’t worry it’s not boring), talks about stuff like:

  • Why you don’t need to have all your shit figured out
  • Why “having it all figured out” is a total myth
  • Why you can’t think your way to the answer (and figure out what move to take next)
  • The real key secrets to experimentation and finding your passion – and why what you’re doing now won’t get you there
  • I know you’re looking for more than just work you love  - you’re looking for fulfilling work that fills that void in life
  • Therese’s 3 part system to help you  experiment and find a career, without risking too much time or money, and without constant job hopping

So if you want to check it out, there’s a Move-lah version,  ($149) or a   basic version  ($49 ) – you can also   watch this intro video real quick (module 1):

This Is For You If…

This 8-part e-course is for you if you’re looking to find that epic life path you’ve been searching for, in addition to a job you love – since (let’s be honest) the two are often intertwined. It appeals to a few types of people:

  1. Students, recent grads, or anyone at all who hasn’t a clue what they want to do with their life or where to start;

  2. Anyone who is unhappy in their current profession and has the feeling that “there has to be something more,” but they aren’t quite sure what it is or how to get there;

  3. Current professionals who would like to make a career switch.  You’ve been in the game for a few years, but are getting tired need some new shit on your plate (damn that analogy was terrible)

Why This Program Makes me Giddy as a School Girl

Alright.

One of the biggest things I’ve realized in the past few years (that I now talk about here), is that you do not need to know the destination to get started.

In fact, setting 5 year goals is probably the dumbest thing you can do.

Do you have any idea how much my life has changed just in the past year? I read 40 books, traveled to half a dozen countries, started multiple businesses, failed multiple businesses, made friends and fired even more friends.

The biggest lie in life is that you need to know steps 1-50, in order to take step 2.  Buuuuulllshit.

That’s the biggest obstacle to you taking ANY action – your brain.  You have to get out of your brain and into your body.

That’s what this program is all about. And that’s why it makes me giddy as a schoolgirl.

So What’s in This Bad Boy?

what you'll get 1

And in the premium version:

what you'll get 2

There’s a Move-lah version which includes bonus video interviews with experts, a private community and support, which is $149.

And there’s a basic version which is $49.

What One Cool-Ass Chick Said After Taking the Course

The Unlost course, from the brilliant Therese Schwenkler is hands down the best course of its kind I’ve seen on the internet to help you get on the path to finding your way in the world.

Therese’s methodology is like no other one out there. Plus, she’s hi-larious and if you bought this solely for the entertainment value, it would be worth the price.

But it’s not just for entertainment. You’ll be getting incredible information and techniques to help you find your career and life path, and (if you choose the Move-lah version, which I highly recommend) you’ll get super-awesome support from your peers, Therese and other group leaders… The value is just off the charts.

I truly believe in this course so much and I’ve seen what it’s done for myself and for all of the other graduates. The process in this course will serve you well for the rest of your life… well worth the ridiculously low cost of $149.

- Sarah Goshman, blogger extrordionnaire and coach at NoHelpHere.com

Imagine a Day in the Life

If this program sketches you guys out, just email me!

But before you go I want you to just consider what life would feel like if you finally knew you were on the path you were meant to be on.

Imagine if you couldn’t wait until tomorrow because you knew it was taking you one step closer to your ideal life.

Imagine if you woke up and knew exactly what you were doing – there was no longer the fear of making the wrong decision or getting lost.

Imagine if over the next 2-3 months that feeling of being “lost” in life vanished altogether, and you slowly figured out what you’re here on earth to do?

How much is that worth to you?

Check it out .

Grab the the move-lah version (her recommended one), which is 149 and includes video interviews with experts, mentors, and friends, private mastermind groups & more.

Grab the basic version which is $49 (the price of a month of Starbucks mocha-doppa-frappa-lappucinos)

BONUS: If You Buy The Program, I’ll Throw in All 3 of Tim Ferriss’s Books (Free)

For Milk the pigeon readers:

If you purchase this program through my link, one of you will get all 3 of Tim Ferriss’s books from me for free as a bonus, fresh off the hot Amazon press, delivered straight to your door with a personalized love note from yours truly (U.S. readers only – sorry!)

Tim Ferriss 3 books

On amazon.com the price of all three of these books together is around $50.00 – which is actually MORE than the price of the basic level in the program.

So if you’ve always wanted to read Tim Ferriss’s books, I’m literally sending you them free if you buy her program through my site.  It’s literally cheaper to buy the program (and then get the books free) than to just straight up buy the books.

As always, shoot me an email if you have any questions about the program –

So, grab the the move-lah version.

Or

Grab the basic version

It just may be that key that helps you figure it all out.  It’s also a 100% money back guarantee, so if you buy it, think “this isn’t right for me” you’ll get an instant refund.. and you can keep the Tim Ferriss books.

– Alex

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